Love, Joleen: Difficult Times

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Difficult Times

I want to talk about something difficult. Ya'll, I'm struggling. The thing is, it's a trying time for many of us. It's been radio silence over here because there are just so many things I want to share, and at the end of the day, I haven't had the energy for it. As a family, we've done things I'm extremely proud of and I want to spend some time [soon] talking about the ways we're standing up for people and social justice. I want to document the marches in this space so that someday my son can see and hear the words behind the photos. Right now, I want to talk about loss. 
As most of you know, I had two miscarriages last year. And while my initial reaction was to cling to hope, and count my blessings, I've got to admit that I've had a rough time in recent weeks. We honored the first baby's due date by going away for the weekend as a family. The second baby would be due in less than two weeks... The baby was due on the anniversary of one of my best friend's death 3 years ago. I saw that as a gift and I think that's another reason why I'm in so much pain right now. I wrote about that friend and depression, here.

Friends, I am hurting. I am angry. I am questioning God's plan for me. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I was pregnant again but it's been nearly 7 months and I am not. Hormones have wrecked havoc over my body and emotions.

A few days ago I was driving and this came on the radio. Tears were streaming down my face. This. I can't tell you how many times I've sang/prayed this aloud since. I am clinging to this.

  

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store
I know you hear me
I know you see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord"

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